Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:56 am

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 4:59 am

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"

Johnny: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:07 am

Little Johnny said to his Aunt Tess, "My God, you're ugly, aren't you!"

His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen.

"You naughty boy!" she screamed, "How can you say to your aunt that she's ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you're sorry!"

Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, "Aunt Tess, I am sorry you're so ugly."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:07 am

Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?"

His mother says, "Heaven, Johnny."

Johnny says, "Geez, I can see why they threw him out."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:10 am

The teacher of a first grade class gives instructions to the little boys on how to go to the bathroom.

The teacher tells them the following:
One - unzip your zipper
Two - pull your pecker out
Three - stroke the skin back
Four - take a pee
Five - stroke the skin forward
Six - put it away and zip up the zipper

So the boys go to do their thing and return a few minutes later. The teacher asks, "Where is Little Johnny?"

One of the boys replies "He is still in the bathroom."

The teacher goes down the hall to the boy's restroom and hears Little Johnny "Three, Five, Three, Five, Three, Five............"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:11 am

A teacher asked her class for sentences using the word "beans".

"My father grows beans," said one student.

"My father cooks beans," said another.

Then little Johnny spoke up: "We are all human beans."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:12 am

In the class room, the teacher asks. "Who destroyed Berlin's wall?"

No one of her student can answer this question. They all keep silent. Then the teacher turns her face to Little Johnny. "Johnny ?"

"No, I didn't !!!!" exclaimed Little Johnny.

"How rude you are to answer me like that !" The teacher then writes a letter to Little Johnny's father and asks him to come to her office to discuss his son's behavior.

The next morning, Little Johnny's father comes and meets the teacher in her office. The teacher tells the story to Johnny's father but to your surprise, Johnny's father responds like this : "Well, if he was the one, he would honestly tell so!"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:13 am

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a Little Johnny and a group of his friends, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy, Little Johnny, gave a deep sigh and said,"All right, give him the dog."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:15 am

Teacher: How old were you on your last birthday?

Little Johnny: Seven.

Teacher: How old will you be on your next birthday?

Little Johnny: Nine.

Teacher: That's impossible.

Little Johnny: No, it isn't, teacher. Today is my birthday. I'm eight today!

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:16 am

Teacher: "Where were you born?"

Little Johnny: "New Jersey, Sir."

Teacher: "Which part?"

Little Johnny: "All of me"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:16 am

Little Johnny came home from Catholic school with a black eye. His father saw it and asked "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me and had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reachd over and pulled it out. That's when she hit me!

"Johnny", the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women."

Sure enough, the very next day Little Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. His father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

"But Dad," Little Johnny said. "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out. Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:20 am

Little Johnny and his friend were always boasting of their parents achievements to each other.

Friend: "Have you ever heard of the Suez Canal?"

Little Johnny: "Yes, I have"

Friend: "Well, my father dug it."

Little Johnny: "That"s nothing, have you ever heard of Dead Sea?"

Friend: "Yes, I have."

Little Johnny: "Well, my father killed it."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:28 am

Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a note to his mother. It read, "Please teach Johnny the difference between boys and girls."

So the mother took Little Johnny upstairs to her bedroom. She said, "Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So he did.

Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my skirt," which he did.

Then she said, "Johnny, now take off my bra", which he did.

And then she said, "Now, Johnny, take off my panties," which he did.

And the she said, "Now, Johnny, you have to stop wearing my clothes to school."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:29 am

Little Johnny is riding his tricycle around the living room and stops at the kitchen door.

He states "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the f**k off; everyone who wants to get on, get the f**k on."

His mother who is in the kitchen, yells "Young man watch your language."

Johnny rides around the living room. Again he stops and says "everyone who wants to get off, get the f**k off; everyone who wants to get on, get the f**k on."

His mother yells, "Johnny I'm not gonna tell you again."

He quickly rides around the living room again. He stops and says "Everyone who wants to get off the bus, get the f**k off; and everyone who wants to get on, get the f**k on."

His mother quickly and firmly states "That's it, go to your room till I call for you."

Johnny does as he is told. Two hours later his mother realizes that Johnny is in his room. She calls him out. He comes out of his room, gets on his tricycle and rides around the living room.

When he stops he says "Everyone who wants to get of the bus, get the f**k off; everyone who wants to get on, get the f**k on. If anyone has a problem with the two hour delay, well, go see the B**** in the kitchen."

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:30 am

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," said his mom, "of course not."

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, "It's okay, we can play that game again!"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:32 am

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum?

Little Johnny: No, I'm Johnny Anderson.

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:33 am

At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day's lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.

"Mr. Goldblatt," announced little Johnny, "there's somethin' I can't figger out."

"What's that Johnny?" asked Goldblatt.

"Well accordin' to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"An' the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er--right."

"An' the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"An' the Children of Israel fought the 'gyptians, an' the Children of Israel fought the Romans, an' the Children of Israel wuz always doin' somethin' important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Goldblatt. "So what's your question?"

"What I wanna know is this," demanded Johnny. "What wuz all the grown-ups doin?"

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:37 am

Little Johnny was in school one day when the teacher brought around cookies for snack time. "Here, Little Johnny, have a cookie."

"I don't f****** want one," declared Johnny.

The teacher was shocked. She called Little Johnny's mother and scheduled her to come in for a meeting the next day.

When Little Johnny's mother arrived, the teacher had her hide behind the curtain until snack time came around. As she came to Little Johnny, she again told him "Here Little Johnny. It's time for your cookie."

"I don't f****** want one," stated Little Johnny again.

The teacher pulled aside the curtain and said to his mother, "See? Did you hear what he said?"

"So don't f****** give him one," said Little Johnny's mother.

by Vrolok Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:37 am

Little Johnny was walking down High Street with his mother. They stopped outside a womans clothing shop, Johnny's mother knew it would embarass Johnny to go inside, so she told him to wait outside. Before Johnny's mother had a chance to go inside, little Johnny saw a used condom lying on the pavement.

"What is that mummy!?" he asked.

His mother looked mortified when she saw the used condom and hastilly said, "Ah, Um, It is a biscuit Johnny, but its on the ground so its dirty, don't touch it!"

Confident that Johnny wouldn't touch it she went in the shop. When she came out 10 min later she saw the condom was gone.

"You didn't eat the biscuit, did you Johnny!?" she asked.

"Of course not, it was dirty, so I just licked the cream out from inside it."

by **tears_of_cry** Mon Sep 01, 2008 6:54 am

too many

by Guest Tue Sep 02, 2008 4:24 am

wahaha...nice ones :dd

by Vrolok Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:08 am

In history class one day, a pop quiz was given by the teacher. "I'll give you a famous saying and you tell me who said it, and it and what year".

First question, "Give me liberty or give me death" who said that.

A few kids put their hands up and she calls on Kiko, the Japanese exchange student. "That was Patrick Henry in 1775." she says.

"Very good," says the teacher. Next is "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"

This time Kiko is the only one to put up her hand.

"That was JFK from his 1962 inaugural speech." she says.

"Very good," says the teacher. "But I'm ashamed of the rest of you. Here's a foreign exchange student that knows more about our history then you do!"

A voice from the back of the room whispers "F****** Japs!"

Immediately, the teacher asks "Who said that?"

Little Johnny jumps up and says "Douglas McArthur 1945!!!"

by Vrolok Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:10 am

The Grade 1 concert is fast approaching and Johnny has still not decided what he will do. Little Mary is going to do a piano solo, Timmy will recite a poem, but Little Johnny can't come up with anything. Finally, his frustrated teacher is relieved when he tells her he has worked out his act.

Come the night of the concert, all the proud parents fill the hall and watch as Mary, in her prettiest dress, tinkles the ivories to rapturous applause.

Then Timmy steps out in his best suit and recites his poems to the delight of the audience.

Finally, out comes Little Johnny, in check shirt, and denim overalls. He steps up to the microphone and says...

"Ladies and Gentlemen. My uncle owns a farm and every holiday I visit him there. Tonight, I would like to share with you my impression of some of the many sounds I hear on my uncle's farm. Here is the first....'JOHHNY! GET OFF THAT F****** TRACTOR!'"

by Vrolok Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:13 am

Little Johnny was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Little Johnny said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground six stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the hell happened?!?"

Little Johnny said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."

by Vrolok Tue Sep 02, 2008 9:16 am

Little Johnny and his mom were visiting the grave of the his grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, Llittle Johnny asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

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Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

American History

Aunt Tess

Baby Brother

Bathroom Instruction

Beans

Berlin Wall

The Winner

Birthday

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Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

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Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]

Re: Little Johnny Jokes [18+]