the mathematics of valentine's day

To give or not to give is not the question. What to give is more like it. Yes, it�s that time of the year again when money does buy you love, or so the card sellers and diamond merchants of the world would have you believe.



Well, the researchers at University College, London, were probably as foxed as us ordinary mortals. So they decided to take time off from solving Fermat�s Last Theorem to explore the �mathematics of dating�. More specifically, the role of gift-giving in courtship.




The researchers assigned points to an array of courtship behaviours, including gift-giving. The computer considered the hypothetical facts, mulled over a few variables and calculated which behaviours would result in the highest �score� for the imaginary male or female dater.

The experiment varied the type of gift the man could give. (No political correctness here, the man was the pursuer and gift-giver.)



So you had a choice of worthless, valuable or extravagant gifts. Valuable gifts = diamonds, for example, or items with usefulness or resale value. Extravagant gifts = dinner at a fancy restaurant, tickets to a Broadway show or a moonlit serenade. The value of these gifts was just in the experience.



The model showed that extravagant gifts had the highest score for both men and women. This was interpreted to mean: women feel confident that they have found a strong and committed mate when they receive an extravagant gift. And men avoid gold-diggers by giving only gifts that have no intrinsic value.



Hmmm. I can see a whole lot of guys go bingo! We knew it. Women want rich guys who can spoil them, no wonder we never make any progress.



Forgeddahboutit



But let me just point out a few problems with this mathematical model. Especially if you're in one of those common (for Indian men especially!) situations where you've been secretly infatuated with this girl who barely knows you exist on the planet. Or perhaps knows you, but only as an acquaintance or friend.



Extravagant will not only NOT work in this situation, it will have the poor girl running in the opposite direction. Getting 100 red roses from someone you barely know on Valentine's Day is flattering to a girl only if SHE also has some feelings for you. Just the roses or the dinner won't trigger those feelings.



So an extravagant gift will work fine if you're IN a relationship. Otherwise, if you ask me, the 'worthless' gift variety, which the researchers simply overlook, could be more potent.


The best kind of worthless gifts are those which involve effort, not money. They indicate you care about the other person; that "I'm there for you".



Sometimes just being emotionally available is a gift. Helping someone with a difficult decision or problem can be a gift (though you should offer advice only if you're asked to). Offering to drop her home if it's late is a gift (she may not accept, but your offering to do so will be noted).



But again NONE of this matters if she does not have a basic attraction for you.



Should I tell/should I not?



Now take this common situation almost every girl (and a few guys) have encountered in their school days. Someone whom you don't know at all comes up to you, turns red, thrusts a mushy card/flowers/other lame gift in your hands. And waits for a response.



If you're a kind hearted soul, you just smile and say "so sweet" and somehow squirm out of the situation gracefully.



If you're a mean one, you may laugh on his/her face and walk away. Next thing you know the whole school knows about the incident and the red-faced one is standing in a corner, purple-faced and alone.



Of course, he/she eventually gets over it, but what I mean is the success rate of this 'cold call I love you' is so negligible that it makes no sense to even try it.



Then there's the second situation, which takes place more around college time. There is a girl/guy who is a friend�maybe even a pretty good friend�and you have developed feelings for her/him. Now you wonder, should I tell/not tell.



Now this is definitely tricky, and while girls do take the initiative these days, let's just say more often than not the 'who will bell the cat' question still has to be answered by the guys.



I guess here you have to trust your instinct. Although you may think the girl does not know you like her�she does. And if she likes you back, there will be some subtle signs of it�though she may not actually say it.



If you are getting those vibes�go ahead and take a chance. But if you're not, just keep mum because telling her "I have feelings for you" when there's a 99.9 per cent chance she will reply "I like you as a friend" is a recipe for disaster.



And the same goes for those mathematical models� Courtship is highly complex and can't be distilled into a few sterile numbers and equations. Or there wouldn't be so many mopey single engineers and IITians!