Macduff's joke collection

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:25 pm

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PAIN
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A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a little more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even THAT hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

-----o0o-----

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:27 pm

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DOCTOR&PATIENT
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Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

------o0o----------

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:28 pm

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**Cab Driver Goes to Heaven**
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A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher's entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, "Okay, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."

The preacher is astonished and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie."

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: "This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed."

--------o0o---------

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:29 pm

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*What's In A Name*
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me.....I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't remember your name. I've thought and thought, but I can't recall it. Please tell me what your name is."

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just looked at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"

----o0o-----

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:29 pm

-=(2)=-
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*Generous Lawyer*
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A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

-------o0o--------

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:30 pm

-=(3)=-
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*Texas Justice*
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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule."

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?."

The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn." The old farmer smiled and said, "No I give up, you can have the duck.

------o0o--------

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:30 pm

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*No Touching*
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John said to Mary, "I'll bet you ten cents I can kiss you on the lips without touching them."

"You're crazy," said Mary. "That's impossible. Here's a dime that says you can't."

The two dimes were placed on the mantelpiece and John then enfolded Mary and for ten minutes kissed her passionately, intimately, and moistly.

She broke away at last, panting and disheveled, and said, "You did nothing BUT touch my lips."

John pushed the dimes toward her and said, "So I lose."

-----o0o------

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:32 pm

Jokes

I read on the newspaper that sending text messages causes a radiation that is cancerous. That's why I have decided to stop - to stop reading newspapers.

Why do I miss you? Because you make me smile. You are so kind. You are so sweet. You are very funny. And most of all, because you are not texting me any more. That's why.

When you are in love, you wish you were married. When you are married, you wish you were in love.

The rain makes all things beautiful, the grass and flowers too. But if rain really makes all things beautiful, why doesn't it rain on you?

Whenever I hear people say something bad about you, like when they say that you are not cute enough, I would always come to your defense and say "She's trying to be one naman a!"
I hate blackout. Never mind the aircon, never mind TV and stereo, never mind the internet. But if I could not recharge my cell phone so I could keep texting, that's another point. I hate blackout.

Every time I hold her hand, I feel like holding my cheek. She always slaps me on the face.

The only people whom I greet "Good morning" are those who are smart, cute and malakas ang sex appeal. So, pano ba yan? E di good afternoon na lang sayo!

"Learn to appreciate art," I told my girlfriend. She said, "How could I appreciate you, then?"

You've got sex appeal, you've got style, you've got intelligence, and you've got class. You've got the face and you've got the body but I've got the wrong number… Sorry ha, mali pala!

We hate others for imitating us. We are irritated by their attitude.

Kung akala mo importante ka sa akin, kung akala mo may tiwala ako sayo, kung akalamo namimiss kita at kung akala mo friend kita…Korek ka dyan!

I'm sure you were born in this world as a cute baby. Now that you're a grownup, I have one question..... What happened?

Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose - your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don't have!

I had a dream about you. Nasa heaven daw tayo with two angels. Your angel is cute but mine is not, so tampo ko. I asked why cute ang angel mo. They said: "Balance of nature".

Why do we sleep? Because we need to take a break from texting. Have a nice dream while texting.

How can you know if a person is cute? First, he or she has a poor memory. Second - umn … I forgot na!

Our friendship means a lot to me, that if we were the last people on a sinking ship and there's only one life vest, I'll..uhm.. ah.. eh..I'm gonna miss you for sure!

Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Kasi sabi nila cute daw ako kapag naiinis ako! Kaya, Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako! Naiinis ako!

Reporter: How does it feel to become a millionaire?
Millionaire: Sad, because I am not a billionaire.

I've just heard a funny joke. I can't stop laughing. Hahahaha! Want to hear it. Biruin more…..cute ka raw? Hahahaha!

While walking down the street, I heard an old man say "I've been in love with the same woman for almost 50 years now." I was touched until I heard him say "I wish she knew."

Bakit exciting ang text? 1. Kasi pwedeng magpacute and pangit. 2. Pwedeng single ang married 3. Sa text bida ang sinungaling 4. Sa text bistado ang kuripot.

Smile is the secret to stay young and cute. Naks, bakit ka nakangiti?

What is the difference between cute and feeling cute? Cute is the one who sent this and feeling cute is the one reading this. He...He...he... Text mo sa iba para ikaw naman ang cute!

I may not be your PEPSI choice of the new generation; I may not be your COKE, only the real thing; or your NIDO, world's no. 1 but I can be your REXONA I won't let you down.

I'm thinking u. I want to be with u. I am longing for u. I have a crush on u. I want to hug and kiss u. I love u. Ikaw, love mo rin ba ang letter u?

If you are alone, I'll be your shadow. If you want to cry, I'll be your shoulder. If you want a hug, I'll be your pillow. If you need to be happy, I'll be your smile. If you need money, wait for your salary.

No matter how sad, no matter how sick, I feel better just thinking of you... But I'm happier each time I send you a message 'coz I know I'll be disturbing you!

If they say "Good looks could kill", then please don't look at me! I don't wanna see you die!
Anong animal ang hindi sigurado? Eh di BAKA! Ano naman ang pinutol? E di CAT! E ano naman and laging ayos? E di OX! Ano ang laging nauuntog? E di DOG! E ano naman ang pangit? E di COW!

I sent an angel to watch over you last night while you were sleeping. She went back to me and said ang cute mo raw. Sinampal ko nga. Mali ang binantayan.

Between the thousand yesterdays and a million tomorrows, there's only one today and I wouldn't let this day pass without saying this to you - ang cute ko, grabe!

When I say good morning, it means I'm thinking of you. When I say take care, it means I care for you. When I say ang cute mo, antok lang ako. Tulog na ko.

I saw someone at the mall. So cute, smart-looking, simple, elegant, and looks like a celebrity. Kainis paglapit ko nauntog ako. Salamin pala!
Just got my medical exam results. Malala na ang sakit ko. Everyday lalo akong gumaganda at wala raw gamot dito. But don't worry, di daw nakakahawa. Safe ka.

You're like my asthma, you take my breath away. Like dandruff; I can't get you off my head. Like my car, you drive me crazy. Like dentures, I can't smile without you.

Fifty years from now, tanda na ko nun! Di na cute, wala ng appeal, uugud-ugod, nguya nganga, dala baston. Pero pag uso pa ang text, iti text pa rin kita.

You think I'm nice, I think you're nice. You think I'm kind, I think you're kind. You think I can be trusted, I think you can. You think I'm cute, and I think you're right.

You can buy gifts but not love. You can pretend smile but not happiness. You can lie to others but not to yourself. You can have another friend but not as cute as I am!
If you're like my pillow, you're huggable. If you're like my cell phone, you're smart. If you're my chocolate, you're sweet. If you're like me, grabe and cute mo naman!

Everything about you is perfect - your lips, your skin, your eyes, your body. Perfect! You're lucky to be born beautiful, not like me, who was born to be a big liar.

You'll never know who your friends are… till you stumble and fall. And till you feel his hands on your shoulder as he says, "Yan tatanga-tanga kasi".

Any man who can text while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the text the attention it deserves.

If you're not cute don't continue reading this.... Naks! yan ang gusto ko sayo eh, lakas ng fighting spirit mo! O pumipindot pa! Lupit mo!
A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, a colon, or an exclamation point... So don't dare to kiss me coz I might get crazy,?.!

The Pinoy politician does not fail to smile in front of the camera. Why? Guilt tickles when there is too much light.

This message was sent exclusively for the handsome and the beautiful. We have obviously sent it to the wrong number. We are truly sorry for the inconvenience.

Each of us has his own fear but sooner or later we must face it. It takes a lot of guts to overcome it. So don't be afraid to face your fear. Go ahead, take a bath. Good a.m.

Newsflash: Policemen saving a woman who appears to be jumping off a building. Policeman: Bumaba ka dyan maraming nagmamahal sa yo! Woman: Wag kayo makialam, di ako makapag -send!
If only I'm an angel, I'll protect you. I'll lend you my wings. I'll watch over you. But I'm not an angel, hawig lang.

When a veteran actor dies, women weep. When a young actor dies, girls cry, "Sayang!"

I don't know how to say this. We are friends but I can't get you out of my mind. This is wrong but you're the only one I could think of. This might break our friendship, but I have to say this. Pautang naman!

The smell of a woman should stay with you. The smell of a man should come to you as you go to him and leave you with only a memory, not a headache.

Kahit NISSAN ka STAREX ka ng buhay ko, masKIAnong mangyari, HONDA kitang pagMAZDAn at SUZUmpang SUZUKIlian ka ng buong katapatan. DODGE what friends are FORD!
A husband coming home from a confession and lifts his wife and carries her on his shoulder. Wife: Did the priest tell you to be so romantic like this? Husband: No, he told me to carry my cross.

What do you do when you see an extremely cute person? Ako, I stare at the person and smile, but when I get tired, I just put the mirror down. Nakakangawit eh!

No one is too fat to run, except the Pinoy policeman.

Help! Nasa presinto ako. Nahuli kasi ako while I was working kanina. The charge was possession of cute face. I had no choice but plead guilty. Lakas ng ebidensya nila e!

How to spot a texter? 1. may muscle ang thumb 2. barok magsalita 3. may bangga ang auto 4. laging nakayuko 5. nakasimangot dahil di makasend.
Five reasons why I keep texting you: 1. You made me feel welcomed 2. You made me smile 3. You appreciate my thoughts 4. You spend time reading my messages 5. Di ako kuripot tulad mo!

When you feel left out and all alone, just try to close your eyes for a moment and think of me. Afterwards, you will suddenly smile and say, text ko nga ang cute na yon!

Ang ganda ng umaga because of you. Ang ganda ng dream ko, it was all about you. Ang sakit ng ulo ko, puro you na lang ng you. Sabi ni doc, maybe because I miss you.

When she talks about the town, she calls it news. When the town talks about her, she calls it 'tsismis'.

I looked at the sky. The sky is beautiful. I looked at you. I looked at the sky na lang ulit.
Money will buy a bed but not sleep, food but not appetite, amusement but not happiness. You see, money is not everything. Therefore, if you have too much, please send it to me ASAP!

I'm afraid to die not because it will hurt or I don't know what will happen, but because I might be waiting for you in Heaven and be disappointed.

Some people choose friends who are thoughtful and caring. Some prefer those who are smart and good looking. When you chose me, pinakyaw mo na lahat.

Everyone, except me, wants to become a millionaire. I want to become a billionaire.

I know you've got plenty of friends. Some are old, some are new. Some are false, some are true. I may not be your perfect friend, but one thing I will always be - the cutest you've got.
I live a very difficult life. I'm always hurt! Whenever people call me cute, good looking, smart and lovable, I'm always hurt! Totoo pala, the truth hurts!

I asked my guardian angel for a friend whom I can love forever. She gave me you. And so I called on her again and asked: "Wala na bang iba?"

Yesterday is history.... Tomorrow is a mystery.... Today is a gift.... That's why its called the present!

I'm not sure what life could bring you. I'm not sure if dreams do come true. I'm not sure what love can do. But I'm sure about one thing. Cute tayo.

Let go of the one who makes you cry. Let go of the one who breaks your heart. Let go of the one who causes you much pain. But never let go of me because mahirap maghanap ng cute na ka-text.
People are always looking for cute ones, the perfect ones, the gorgeous ones, the smart ones, the sweet ones. Lagi na lang ako! Ako! Ako!

If you save this message, it means cute ako. If you edit it, cute pa rin ako. If you delete it, naiinggit ka kasi cute ako. Pero kung ipoforward mo, pinagkakalat mong cute ako.

What's the difference between pleasure and torture? Pleasure is thinking of you and torture is thinking of you too much.

I'm so sorry for not telling you this before. You ought to know how smart, cute, witty, sweet, charming, alluring and wonderful you are!... I didn't know I've influenced you that much!

Others say life is unfair. Well, it's true. Others are jealous of you. And they really should be. Wanna know why? Hmmm… coz you have a cute text mate like me.
Playboy, speaking to a girl: "I want you to know that I value our relationship very much. In fact, I find you as my most favorite girlfriend."

Newsflash: Police are looking for a suspect who's smart, sexy, witty and very gorgeous. They've already eliminated you from the list of suspects. Where do you think I should hide?

If I were to make a dictionary: CUTE=you; SWEET=you; THOUGHTFUL=you; GOOD LOOKING=you; GORGEOUS=you; LIAR=me!

When somebody who's deeply in love with you tells you that you're cute, beautiful, and angelic, I agree. That's true, believe me, I swear. Cause love is blind!

Those innocent eyes... Those kissable lips... A great smile... The perfect walk... Smoothest talk... Absolutely gorgeous.. That's enough bout me. How about you?
When I was lost, you were there. When I was down, you were there. When I was bankrupt, you were there. When I almost died, you were there... Teka, baka ikaw ang malas sa buhay ko!

It takes patience to keep a nagging wife; fortune to keep an ambitious wife; four eyes to keep a pretty wife.

Dear fellow texters, Due to Globeline problems, we are experiencing delayed messages. This is why as early as now I would like to greet you a Merry Christmas.

Trivia: Having a good laugh with friends stimulates endorphins, the brain's natural painkillers. So if you need to laugh and you can't find a friend, I can lend you a mirror.

When he was five years old, he wanted to become a lawyer. Now that he is a lawyer, he acts like a five-years old.

There are now three ways of describing a glass with water half of its volume. It is either half-full, half-empty or half-safe to drink.

He loves his girlfriend more when she is not around.

I may not be Pepsi, the choice of the new generation. I may not be Coca Cola, only the real thing. I may not be Nido, the world's number 1 but I can be PLDT, clearly for you.

Nasa bundok ka, mahuhulog cell phone mo at girlfriend mo, anong gagawin mo? Magpakatotoo ka brother! Sagipin mo ang cell phone mo at sigaw mo sa girlfriend mo, text na lang kita!.

Someone claimed that Maria Clara could not be the model of Filipino women. "History never mentioned that she brushed her teeth," was the explanation.
The only person who can make her smile is a dentist.

Looks may capture the eyes but it's the personality that captures the heart. Kainis, I have both.

I wrote your name in the sky but the wind blew it away. I wrote your name in the sand but the water washed it away. I wrote your name every where! Hinuli ako ng pulis!

When you feel that nobody loves you, that nobody cares, when all you can do is cry and walk away because everyone is against you, then you are the weakest link. Goodbye!

At this moment 3.7 million are sleeping, 2.3 million are falling in love, 4.1 million are eating and only 1 cutie in the whole world is reading this message. Naks! Nakangiti na yan!

by Macduff Tue Aug 07, 2007 11:38 pm

• Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

• Man: Doc mera khada nahi hota hai.
Doc: R u married?
NO.
Do u hv a g/f?
NO.
Do u go to prostitutes?
NO.
Doc: To khada karke kya calander tangega?

• Smoking one cigarette makes your life 11 minutes shorter. A good f**K makes it last 15 minutes longer. So smokers...f**K FOR YOUR LIFE!

• I only have SEX on days that begin with T: Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday and Tevery other day!

• Women eh! Boob jobs, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellies & clits. Eyebrows plucked, bikini lines & legs waxed & they won't take it up the arse ‘coz it HURTS!

• If a married woman is called 'Polo... The mint with a hole' Then what's an unmarried woman called...?
CENTER FRESH

• New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

• Q: What's the definition of a Menstrual Period?
A: A bloody waste of fu*kin time!

• An old lady owned two dogs. One day they both died, so she took them to the taxidermist.
So u want them mounted?
No. Holding hands will do just fine.

• Q: What's the closest thing to a woman's period?
A: Your salary. It comes once a month lasts about 3-4 days and if it doesn't come everythings fucked.

• Q: How do we know men invented maps?
A: Who else would turn an inch into a mile!

• Banana and a vibrator sitting on a bedside table. Banana turns 2 vibrator I don't know why you are fuckin shaking, she's goin 2 eat me!

• A man meets a lady at a bar and says: Hi, what' ur name?
She replies: Carman, coz I like cars & I like men, what's urs?
Man: Beer cunt!

• Women r like a pair of rubber boots. When they r dry, u can’t enter them, when they r wet, they smell & when u walk on the street with them, people laugh at u.

• Name the 5 great kings that have brought happiness in peoples lives?
DrinKING,
LicKING,
SucKING,
F*cKING,
W*nKING !

• Customer: Excuse me, but how can this tiny little hand bag cost so much?
Cashier: It`s made of foreskin madam, when u lick it, it becomes a suit case!

• After great sex, she lies there stroking his penis.
He asks: Do you want more sex?
She says: No. Just admiring your penis. I used to have one just like it.

• A gal tells her Doctor: I've got a bad discharge.
He fingers her & says how’s it feel?
Gal: Very nice, but the discharge is in my ear.

• The Blue Whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating, but only 10% enters the female, and you wondered why the sea tasted so Fu*kin salty!

• A reasent studdi haz chown thet peapel hoo aar amezing in bed ar krapp at spelin!

• What's the diff between hook in circket and hook of bra.
One sends ball out of boundary and other keeps balls within the boundary.

• When nobody luvs u, nobody cares 4 u, nobody think about u, every1 ignores u, then go n sit in the corner close ur eyes n think: Bhanch*d Chakar kya hai?

• Jack & Jill went up the hill to have a little fun.
But stupid Jill forgot the pill and now they have a son.

• Workers discuss cricket! Managers discuss tennis! Top bosses discuss Snooker! CEO's discuss Golf!
Moral: Higher u go smaller ur balls become!

• Bhagwan ko gussa kab aata hai?
Jab kisi ladki ka rape hone ke baad uski ma bolti hai, "Hey Bhagwan yeh tune kya kiya."

• If the penis is hard & erect it needs good f**K, if it’s erect but soft it needs good s**K, if it’s neither hard nor erect, it needs Good luck!

• As a man goes older, it is harder and harder for him to grow harder.

• Q: Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly?
A: When she feels something wet she turn on her back.

• Q: Why are men like a toothbrush?
A: They are useless without handle.

• When I was born I got the choice: a major dick or a fine memory. I am not able to remember what I did choose.

• Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!

• Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.

• Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen

• Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!

• Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to film ka naam kya hota?
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!

• Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi number laga to balance nil ho gya?

• A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!

• Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.

• Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!

• Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

• Thought for the day: In terms of sex satisfaction, woman is like a road and a man is like a traveller. The traveller gets tired but the road never ends!

• Man quits smoking because of will power.
He quits drinking because of will power.
But he quits womanizing because he has the will but no power.

• Q: What do you call Afghan virgin?
A: Never Bin LaDen

• Woman has man in it; Mrs. has Mir in it; Female has male in it; She has He in it; Madam has Adam in it; No wonder men always want to be inside women!

• Q: Agar Madhubala ki jagah Mallika Sherawat hoti Mughal-e-Azam mein to film ka naam kya hota?
A: Mughal-e-Orgasm!!!

• Kaho Santa ji suhaag raat kaisi rahi?
Kuch mat pooocho yaar! Pehle 5-6 baar to missed call lagi aur jab sahi number laga to balance nil ho gya?

• A Greek n Italian were arguing over who is superior.
Greek: We gave sex to the world.
Italians: Yes you did, but we introduced it to women!

• Scientists in the US proved that people who do not perform well in bed and who have difficulties to come hold their mobile in their right hand.

• Write an essay which contains factors religion, sex & mystery.
Winning essay: Oh my god, I am pregnant, I wonder who did it!

• Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.

by **tears_of_cry** Wed Aug 08, 2007 1:03 pm

nice

by vampires007 Fri Aug 10, 2007 10:36 am

Mind blowing. Supervvvvvvv

by Macduff Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:52 am

do you want some more :P

by Macduff Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:55 am

here sum more....

What kind of children do you get using a yellow condom ? ................... NONE ! you stupid !

Why does a nun never wears a bra ? ............ God supports everything...

If a pen is mightier than a sword and a photo more powerful than a thousand words, how dangerous –can a fax be ?

What happens when you got scared twice half-dead ?

When a schizophrenic threatens to commit suicide are we talking of hostageship?

What is the velocity of the darkness ?

Why do fortune-tellers first ask your name?

How do you know when you run out of invisible ink ?

When you strangle a smurf, what colour does he get ?

Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have a phone!

What happens when the earth turn 30 times faster?...You get your salary every day and all women bleed dead!!!

when is a man worth some money??................When he pushes a trolley

Why did the statue of liberty have to be a woman?The head had to be hollow to make a restaurant in it!

Why is a false eye made of glass?.....To look through.

Why does beer contain female hormones ? ... When you drink too much of it, you cannot say anything sensible any more, you start to nag and you are no longer able to drive a car.

How is an intelligent woman called? ....................... A transvestite

It has 50 teeth and it holds back or stops a terrible monster? ................... My fly!

When do you know you are overweight? .... When you are sunbathing on the beach and a Greenpeace-activist tries to roll you back into the sea.

Why did God create the man first and only afterwards the woman? .... To give him the chance to enjoy heaven on earth for just a few moments.

Why are men like sperm cells? ...... Only one out of a million is useful.

Why are men happy when they finish a puzzle in two months time..... Because the box says : 3 till 5 years.

Why can a man not be handsome and intelligent at the same time? .... Because he would be a woman then.

Why are men like a toothbrush? .... They are useless without handle.

Why are men like snails? ..... They have horns, they slobber and they trudge along, and above all, they think the house is theirs.

What happens when a man is in the water up till his navel ? ...... That is beyond his comprehension.

Why do have so many men a beer gut? ..... Than at least an unemployed dwarf has a roof over his head.

The ressemblance of a man and a cup of coffee? ..... They both get on the nerve.

What is the difference between a woman and a fridge? a fridge does not moan when there is meat inside

It is round and orange and says:"I am an orange, I am an orange"? .................. a mandarin who thinks big

What is the difference between a washing machine and a teacher? a washing machine runs on batteries and a teacher gets on the nerves.

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? ...... A battery has also a positive side.

why do have men bandy legs? ......... all unimportant matters are between brackets

How does a dummy catch a rabbit? ... He sits behind a tree and imitates the sound of a carrot.

Why does a stupid blond girl never swim on her belly? ... When she feels something wet she turn on her back.

It is white and it stands in the corner? ....... A punished fridge

What is ressemblance between a man and a dolphin? They both seem intelligent, but it has not been proven yet!!!

Why did God create the man first and only then the woman? ...... Everyone makes a draft first!!!

Why do men exist ? Because dildos cannot mow the lawn.

Why do women not have a penis ? ......... That comes together with the brains.

Why do women have legs ? ...... Otherwise there will be traces of mucus on the kitchen floor.

Why the trolleys were invented ? ........ To learn women to walk on their hind legs.

What do you do when your mother-in-law is walking in the garden? ...... Shoot again.

Why does one do some peanut butter on his condom? ...... That makes him big and strong.

Wy do the number of traffic accidents with stupid blond girls increase at April 1st? ..... When the traffic light is read they think it is a joke

If Adam and Eve were so beautiful, how come that there are so many ugly people ?

When a store is open 24 hours a day and 365 days a year, why is there a lock on the door ?

When you are not supposed to drive a car when you have been drinking, why do bars have a parking lot ?

When swinning is good for the development of our arms and legs, why do fish not have arms and legs ?

Blackmail: "When you do not give me the raise I will tell everyone you did give me one."

The black box of the plane is indestructible, why do they not make the plane of the same material ?

One out of 4 marriages ends in a divorce, what do the other marriages end in ?

How does the driver of a gritting vehicle go to work in the morning ?

How do you call a woman who looses 90% of her intelligence ??.................................a widow !!!!!

Do they have a coffee break at the tea factory ?

Does a liar lies when he says he says he is telling a lie ?

What do you prefer in the hereafter?...........Smoking or non-smoking area.

Where are the first 6 up's ?

Why does a kamikaze wear a helmet ?

Why does an answering machine never gives an answer when I ask something ?

Why do you always find one shoelon the streets ?

Why do we call apartements apartements when they are all connected to one another ?

Why can you buy sigarettes in a gaz station where it is forbidden to smoke ?

Why are you behind a computer, while in fact you are sitting in front of the screen ?

why are there life jackets in airplanes and no parachutes ?

What do the military do in a civil war ?

by Macduff Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:56 am

What is more easy for a man to make, a boy or a girl ? ...........a girl.....there is an example in front of him

What do sheep count when they want to sleep ?

What does a butterfly feel when he is in love?

What whish would stars make when they saw falling people.

Who invented milking cows and what did he think when he started doing it ?

by Macduff Wed Aug 15, 2007 2:57 am

why is a man like a snowstorm ? because You don't know when he is coming , how many inches you will get or how long it will stay .

an archeologist is the best Old Man a woman can have , the older she gets the more interested he is in her .

what should you give a woman who his everything ? a man to show her how to work it

Tarzan & D animals went 2 D rivA 2 tak a bath . wen Tarzan t%k off Hs cloths , ll D animals *L* . wen Tarzan askD Y? ? D animals said: yr tail S n frnt

5 diffrences btw ET n asylum seekers 1 ET wznt blk 2 ET came on hs own 3 ET learnt en 4 ET had hs own bke n 5 ET wtd 2 go hom

Did u hear bout da mouse who took viagra half an hour l8r he was walkin round da kitchen sayin wheres da pussy now then

Nws FLASH: war strtd n Iraq. prez Bush hz ordrD 1000 K9s 2 srch Saddam. mssion S getN delayed as 1 K9 S stil readN dis sms msg

Da oday i broght a nu car radio. shout soul, plays soul. shout rock, plays rock. i woz drivin ome from wk yestaday and sum kidz ran in front ov mi car. i shouted f**kin kidz and it played Gary Glitter

D irish army av had 2 snd der bst fmale officers 2 D gulf. unfortunatly dey mixed up their anthrax W their tampax n poisoned D rong c*nts

If a X was a raindrop id send u showas, If a hug was a second id send u hrs, if a smile was water id send u the C, If Lv was a person id send u me!

BOY: mummy y u jumpin on daddy MUM:2 flaten hs tummy BOY: bt mummy it wont wrk MUM: BOY: cos D womn frm nxt door cums n da mornin 2 blo him ^

B4 u criticise sum1, wlk a mile n der shoes.... dat wA u r a mile awy frm dem, dude u hav a nu pair of shoes!~~~

Wot du a rubix cube n a C=: av n comN ? D longA U > W em D hrdr dey gt

2 fleas on a muff, 1 S a burglar, D oder S a drug dealer. hw DY tel em apart? D burglar S hidng n D bush n D junkie S sniffing crak

2 idiots fnd a mrra n D road , 1st 1 l%ks n it n sEz IKT face bt i cant put a nme 2 it ! 2nd mn l%ks n it & says U f**ing bozo its me

He came 2 M 1 nite... explored my bod... licked- sucked- swallowed & had Hs fill... wen satisfied he lft... I wz hurt... F***IN msqto

Last nyt I dreamed I 8 a ten-pound marshmallow, n wen I woke ^ D pillO wz gon

Irlnds wrst evr dsastr ocurd 2day wn a sml 2 setr plane crshd in2 a cemtry irsh srch & resq av recvd 826 bdys dign contnus.

Y? du women av tts? So men wl T2 em

There's a danjrus virus goin arnd. itz cllD wrk. f U rx wrk frm ur colleagues, ur boss, or NE1 Ls, via Emsg or NE oder means, dnt tch IT!

A Dentist wz -ing a 2th of a ldy, he z ,

*Newsflash* A nu study frm america has jst reveld that F u r sexually inxperienced and shit in bed u will b oldin ur fone in ur rite hand!

Hw du piss off n archeologist?Shw her a usde tampon n ask her wat period tis frm!

Why do cows look so depressed when being milked? Well, if somebody woke u up early, rubbed ur tits for 2 hours & didnt f**k u , youd be pissed off 2!!

A guy walks ^ 2 a gal n says: Wanna play magic? She asks: wadya mean? He says: We go 2 my place, boink n thN U DSapER!

W@ hz a 10 pin bowling ball n a woman got n comman? they both lov getN pikD up, fingered + fukD ^ an alley + they both cum rollin bac 4 mor. .

Yday I seen ur splitting img, he/she lOkd jst lk U!!!! I evn shouted ur nme, wen it turnD rnd it jst s@ der picking its ass n e@tiN bananas. thN I relized twas a (8-})!

Mickey mouses solicitor says u cant dvorce minny on the grounds shes got buck teeth. Micky replyed thats not what i meant when i sEd she was fuckin goofy
Mongo is a little zambian orphan with aid who wlks 5 miles to skool... just œ2 a month can the lazy c**t some trainers so he can run!

2 trains R about to colide a woman rips off her cloths and sAz does Neone wanna make me feel like a woman before I die and a man rips of his cloths and sAz ,yes here iron these

Wats D diff btw a GF N an OL ? 45 lbs .
Y? S it so hard 4 women 2 fnd men dat R sensitive , caring N gud lukin ? coz doze men alrdy hv boyfriends
Wats D diff btw a nu OM N a nu K9 ?aftr a year , D K9 S stil xcited 2C U .
Wht doez a 6T year old mn wair boxrz or briefz ? depends